Making
A big piece I'm still experimenting with.
Go back to a time when you were about to dive into a pool. Think about how your feet curled on the edge of the diving board. Remember how flimsy the platform felt beneath your feet. Do you remember how every little movement, your knees shaking or your feet shuffling, caused you to sway in the wind? Sometimes that diving board was so uncomfortable that you just lept.
Greatness
Being on the precipice of greatness or something-elsedness, is a special kind of torture. As an artist, I often feel like we're creating wildly in the dark, and we're quietly seeking something that illuminates why we create. This year I've been guided by my intuition, particularly where I want to take myself next in my art career.
My Intuition has gotten much more robust over this past year - for better and worse. Intuition has garnered me a sense of dissatisfaction with the work I create. Intuition has also given me moments when I realize something I've made is on the brink of greatness. This year, my potential rests in three artworks out of the dozens I've created. Intuition also tells me that only one out of the ten things I make will be something to write home about.
”When fall began, Intuition had metastasized itself into an inner critic that could never be satisfied.”
When fall began, Intuition had metastasized itself into an inner critic that could never be satisfied. It started with good intentions to better myself and make many artists' necessary change. I tried to change my artwork to something more mature, thought-provoking, but the idea was abstract. How I would reach that level was abstract. This past summer, I made work entirely new for me. They were flat, beautiful, and vapid. These were me exploring color and contemporary media in an unbridled fashion. It was undeniable how I felt when I made them. They were easy, digestible, and aesthetically pleasing. I love this work, but there is more to explore and I felt like I was limiting myself.
I chased the idea of making better artwork, but I didn't know how I needed to get there. Creating started and stopped for me all semester because I felt whatever I created was not star quality. So, as a remedy, I began to research, learn, and experiment- and it's left me in a state I thought I'd never be in.
“I stand right now on a shaky platform, knees trembling, toes curled, on the brink of what could happen next.”
Work in Progress
I stand right now on a shaky platform, knees trembling, toes curled, on the brink of what could happen next. In astrophysics, an event horizon is the outer rim of a black hole. In theory, if you were to be on an event horizon, you'd see time accelerate at a remarkable speed while you remain sedentary. This year I've meditated on the event horizon, and it's one of the worst places to be. Intuition told me that I'm not where I should've been in my art-making process, and that's truly humbling.
"Right now, I feel exposed, I feel raw, and I feel vulnerable.”
Right now, I feel exposed, I feel raw, and I feel vulnerable. I feel like a student, which terrifies me because I'm graduating soon. I feel exposed because I see the areas where I'm lacking. I feel exposed to what I'm creating, and I feel exposed to judgmental eyes. I feel frustrated, I feel challenged, and I feel the anticipation. I know I'm on the cusp of something. I feel like I'm on the precipice of making art. Not what others say what art I should be making, but pieces that fulfill me in so many ways.
Work in Progress
Where am I going from here?
Right now, we're failing and trying with intention. I know what I'm capable of, and I know what I lack. I've also reckoned with why I struggle to experiment. It comes to a point where I need to stop living in my head and start working with my hands. Persisting as an artist also means letting Intuition be what she is, a guide, and not letting her stop me from creating.
Intuition has taught me how to try.
So tonight, I will just make.
